trying to maintain some dignity during my last weeks

People’s faces outside of family are stone-cold, maybe they were always this way or giggling almost guiltily. Everything has progressed to straight out-and-out torture. I felt like I wanted to scream and rip my skin off, like I was shaking inside my skin. I felt waves of pain. I was horrified [...]

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july 7 2009

I keep being surprised  by how frightened I am sometimes now – I am very aware that I might do this, and soon, especially now that I have figured out how to poison myself without using drugs that are going to be almost impossible to get my hands on.  All-natural. 
They are going to put the [...]

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Came back again

Came back from a place where I was sure it was over.  It is crazy how much you really want to live life when faced with it being taken away.  Your mind comes up with all kinds of ways you might be able to get through this, make things better.
I did decide almost suddenly while [...]

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Torture is murder

Torturing a person by causing them endless pain, especially while they beg for their life, until that person feels forced to take their own life to end their suffering, is murder.
What I’m experiencing as of today:
Voices in my head, subvocal and once in a while stereo
Forced Visual effects when I try to sleep and close [...]

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Original plans back on , suicide triggers warning

I’m not even going to go into this too much, but, they are winning, and that’s it. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I really don’t see any reason to continue doing this. I can’t even do anything about it for at least a few more months due [...]

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Struggling

I am struggling hard against this, I can’t seem to accept it. I really don’t want to, but this is unliveable. I feel very sorry for people with chronic pain or painful disease. If I at least had my mind I could maybe live with this. I already ordered Final Exit [...]

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Electronic violence and reality

I don’t have much to write, they are heavily blanking out my brain today. They usually do that to some degree, although I’ve gotten partly used to it. It’s the front part of my brain. It’s pretty terrible.
So they’re murderers. Yeah.
There’s a book called Final Exit which I plan to buy [...]

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Suicide Talk

All this talk about suicide sounds pretty morbid and some people would feel like something like contempt for it. They dismissed it and belittled it in my head this morning. “My life is a pain” in a preteen boppy voice. Like I want my life to end because I’m just a melodramatic [...]

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Am trying to go on

but right now I feel like I just don’t care. This is so heartless and brutal. I can’t understand the kind of people who would do this. Brainwashing.
My last post beating myself up as if there was anything I’ve ever done, ever THOUGHT, that could possibly excuse this.
I think what they are [...]

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April 14 Monday 2008

I felt today like I should just be honest and make my plans for a year from now. I really don’t want to live like this and I realize how incredibly unlikely this is going to stop. I mean if they are actually targeting my parents who are basically harmless people who when [...]

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