Torturing a person by causing them endless pain, especially while they beg for their life, until that person feels forced to take their own life to end their suffering, is murder.

What I’m experiencing as of today:

Voices in my head, subvocal and once in a while stereo

Forced Visual effects when I try to sleep and close my eyes, such as in a dream (for instance, a cartoon of Carol Burnett singing and dancing mockingly)

Head pain and numbing, where my normal thinking is blocked (hard to explain, I don’t think normally anymore, or as they call it, “flow”, it’s as if my head is physically and mentally stuffed)

Sometimes Needle pricks,  burning sensation in feet

Horrible itching on breasts

Hateful comments by strangers when I go out sometimes, example “Sterilize her” in insanely hateful Nazi-ish voice at grocery store

Possibly the worst effects now- Forced thoughts, Forced emotions, and Forced reactions.

-These are the worst as they are 1)almost impossible to separate from real thoughts, feelings or reactions unless they are just blatant, 2) they seem to happen at least 50% of the day, which means at least half the day I am feeling something else’s thoughts and feelings, so I may as well not even be present, 3) although everything I experience is very violating and a an attack whether physical or mental, this is an especially thorough rape of my person.  Although I’ve never been physically raped by another human being (although I have once been physically raped by “it”), I would a hundred times rather be raped that way than to continue to live this daily rape of my mind and my soul.

I am tired of being raped every day, every minute of my life and what I am going through, is without any doubt, real rape.  I don’t know what to hope for anymore, as it seems I can’t hope for myself anymore.  I hope my family heals as quickly and as wholly as possible.  I guess all I can really hope for is a miracle.

I hope the perpetrators of this hatred and violence towards me recognize some day what they really did and that they collectively took part in rape and murder, a vicious hate crime of which I had no ability to defend myself and did nothing to bring upon myself.

I hope if their hearts are really that black towards me that they can’t feel or see anything, they at least see the pain in my family and then recognize this evil for what it is.

I hope so much that this comes out in the open, and that all the victims of this ugly, violent, vicious hate crime get some justice and truth.  The world deserves better than this, and I don’t care if that sounds corny or stupid.  Every single person’s life counts, every single person’s life on this earth is sacred.  I have never murdered, raped, or destroyed another human being’s life.  I have never done anything illegal that I could or should be put in jail that I’m aware of.  I have done nothing to deserve my life being taken away from me.  I hope that it has been apparent in this blog how much I don’t want to die and that I feel as if I have been forced to this decision.  Every day my life is stolen from me.  I can’t stand being raped every day like this.  I really don’t know what else I could do.  I’ve begged for my own life and this is what I’ve heard back, literally, from the mouths of strangers in fast food restaurants and stores:  “Do it.”  “Everybody has to die sometime,right?”  And they accuse me of not having a heart.

It doesn’t matter
anymore
the cold bent looks,
the soft hissing I hear
behind me.
You don’t count anymore;
not your sorry excuses to
discount me, a member
of this place called earth.
The glaring sunshine and flat plain
of this town are just as much mine
as are to any of you
and I’ll treat it so.
From now on with my every breath
I won’t hang down
in hopes my audacity of living
won’t offend you.
I’ll live as much as I’m able to,
whatever is handed down to me,
I’ll try to live out, even if it’s
almost nothing.
I know I won’t win
but I’ll stay here as long as I can.

This is really hurting.

I’m wondering if I sound whiny on here. I’ve been treating this blog basically as an almost unfiltered diary, not caring how I sounded as I’d resolved not to change my behavior because of worry of what “they” will say, as that is one slippery slope. Everything you do or say or think is evidence of your defect of character to excuse what they do to you anyway, despite any efforts to change, “be good”. Yikes. The word “good” is a frequently used theme on me. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know what it means, it’s really more for them than you, the secret codes and inside jokes. Rib-elbowing stuff here. It’s like a perp individual can have an instant gleeful camraderie with a total stranger over you. I’ve seen it over and over again. Haha, isn’t it hilarious that I can use this seemingly innocuous word and can instantly, privately convey to you that that bitch is being tortured every night by us and damn, but that’s funny. And they really believe all of it too, that you deserve it. Like you did something to them personally, is something the powers that be are especially good in inculcating in the perps. What I mean is some of them hate you and want you to hurt, but it’s personal. Scary ass mob behavior, and I do not have a problem using the word “mob”. That’s supposed to be evidence of my stuck-up people hating, to them. I don’t hate people but apparently groups of people are capable of doing some extra-special nastiness and justifying it.

I think they kind of look at it as I’m arrogant. I think some of them believe their numbers against me is evidence of them being right, and who do I think I am? But that’s something I learned the very hard way, is that I need to trust my self and that I do know right from wrong, without needing anyone to tell(brainwash) me. If only I’d known this 10 years ago, that really you are lucky if you find a couple of people you can call friends, but that you should never lose yourself, never let anyone make you believe you and what you think and feel doesn’t matter. What I feel is real, who I am is real.

For the past two days a marked worsening of one certain effect, the pain jolts that last about 1 second but can be very painful and feel almost like needles. It might be worse the aftereffect which is your body goes info a fight-or-flight mode but of course, there’s no way to guard or prepare for the attacks. Last night it was on and off constant for at least one hour which was uncommon, painful and stressful.

This while I’m still having to sit on a vibrating chair to distract from the wet feeling in the crotch/anus area, increased head numbing which is localized in the front part of my head, some aches and always constant mental manipulation, that is, manipulated thoughts and feelings. It’s no wonder that I’m still amazed they felt the need to create a situation to make things worse for me a few weeks ago. I’ve almost forgiven myself for forgetting that they create artificial situations or emotions to get me to react, and then punish me for the reaction… or the reaction is induced. I don’t even know.

Also I almost forgot that I am having to use my Ipod on and off to avoid hearing voices. They are not clear “stereo sound” but are in subvocal hearing. Still upsetting to deal with. I’m worried about my hearing since I am now being forced to go to sleep with them on, but the alternative is too stressful. Only a few seconds of silence and my head is filled with shit.

There’s an underlying quiet shock that they can be this ugly. It’s as if I forgot. I really think it may be partly due to timing, since this is the second time it’s happened, in April! It’s before school going out, maybe that has something to do with it.

I don’t have dates but recently:

• had the word antediluvian, put into my head (means old, I’m 32 years old and this is one of their themes for me, that I’m ancient, just another negative theme that is accepted just because they put it out there, like the greed one)
• another word, vituperation. basically bitter complaining. It’s funny, this whole thing since they created the last incident
• an image shot of a brown skinned baby doll, with voodoo like needles going into it’s anus (I’m being targeted there)
• Words: “Cargo for your already swelled head” – another theme, this one of conceit
• Megalomaniac – this word after writing in here
• clearly heard someone’s voice doing some haha sound
• clearly heard a woman’s voice say “Pull”

Am still having the pain of needlelike sensations on my skin, where they sometimes have me jump or make sounds (or they actually come from me sometimes).

Am having insatiable hunger at times and cravings

Doing something to my eyes, that make them unnaturally wide. Started doing this after I had a thought that I liked my eyes, the way they were lidded – another theme here of mine, vanity

They do the seven deadly sins on me, of possessing all of them and of course being punished.

Heard someone when I was out in a salad bar: “It’s like Willy Wonka!” I had had before visual image of being “a bad egg” and not sure, being weighed? Also it said in my head, that Luisa thought I was a bad egg. I was always a little creeped out by Willy Wonka, as good a movie as it is.

Heard in the mall: “Think fast!” I believed this alluded to the forced mental slowdown where I don’t think normally anymore.

Heard in the mall: “Calm down” Believed this alluded to the fake hyperness I get sometimes

Mind control: I’m also being rude to my sister, in a way that I don’t believe is completely my own. Just stupid rude things I say that I don’t even think about, just spout mindlessly. Reminded me of this other incident with my brother: We were eating lunch and then I sniffed loudly in a way that seemed meaningful, and then when he turned to look at me I looked away in a way that seemed on purpose. He had outside working smell but wasn’t that bad, and I did not do those actions on purpose and it felt as if I had been controlled although it was very subtle. He obviously thought I had done it on purpose as I heard “bitch” come from the other room later. I’m writing this down to point out how very easy it is for them to take over like this and hard to pinpoint. It feels very mindless and the only reason I can tell really is from experience and deduction.

Not feeling so urgent, or that my life as it is now is hopeless. My plan is just to go on as normally as possible, and ignore it as much as possible. That left me wondering whether it was good or bad to write here, but considering the recent worsening of effects, I’m going to take that as a lesson to remember. Just not to forget the ugliness that I’ve already been through and the lack of respect for my person and my life.

I changed the wordpress theme to hopefully create a nicer lighter attitude. I like the header image, it reminds me of the book Neverwhere, and the part where they are crossing the bridge.

Of course yesterday though, after eating out I had an attack of hysterical crying. I guess the stress has to come out somewhere. Still feeling oddly wounded that it obviously made the decision to make things significantly worse for me. Just the mental screwup of my head everyday is bad enough really, difficult to describe but bad when you think about it for too long. I mean really, I was thinking, it was bad enough, really. Sometimes you forget all the little ways they are hurting you and your life, and to take it all together it’s pretty amazing really that they obviously feel the need to make things worse for me.

Yesterday as I was leaving the house, neighbor children were in the front of their yard doing some strange imp dance and laughing a bit. Weird. A reminder that I’m being used to teach. Teach what? I don’t know, that this can happen to you if you don’t stay on the right road(s), cruelty towards socially accepted targets is okay, training to do this to others in the future maybe. A lifestyle, a new culture?

Well not a great day so far. I feel this sort of hopeless depressed restless and irritable feeling. I feel some anger today at what’s being done to me and my family and how people can be this clueless and this ugly. You don’t need to know it all to know what this is. Angry at the theft of a large part of my life, the hatred and ferocity behind this, the reasoning used to justify doing this to another person…

it’s upsetting to me sometimes to see how satisfied and happy they are with themselves and what they are doing- gleeful really . I know I should know better now than to be angry, that yes, there’s cruelty, hatred and violence and that sometimes people can excuse almost anything to themselves and to others, and that it might even feel good to those involved, to see someone so skewered and feel like, yeah bitch we got you…

actually believing too that that person has done something personally to you and deserves your hatred, violence and ridicule.

I hate feeling like I’ve lost faith in the basic decency of people in general. How I feel is kind of summarized in a quote I read yesterday: ” I love humanity, but I hate people. ” Hate is too strong , but I feel so disillusioned, disappointed and maybe just grossed out. It would be nice if others could see through other’s eyes every once in a while.

Wanted to remind myself, that my anger perhaps should be reserved for those who are really in charge of this, whoever’s on top here. I don’t know though, who deserves the more contempt and judgement? The ones who actually came up with and implement it, or the numbers of those who accept this, or even love this. “He loved Big Brother”, geez. Funny how I loved 1984 and Lord of the Flies, and here I am living it. The universe has a funny sense of irony and humor, or something.

It makes me wonder about our future and fate, and how much if anything is predestined. I had those warnings and dreams so I could have changed it had I recognized or taken them seriously.

I need a life, really. If I was free to do that in a normal life, that would clear up so many of my other issues, for instance the depression, the pastobsessed daydreaming which is at least partly inititated by it. If I got a job I’m almost sure I’d be miserable. I seem to be better off locked up here.

This is pretty f–ked up. I could say this all day and it wouldn’t be enough. You just don’t do this to people. The end. I know that, you should too, no matter what anyone else says. I don’t need to explain myself or any of my weirdness, badness, bitchiness. None of any of that could make this OK.

I feel I need to work to get a life back together, and deal with the discomfort. I can’t do anything about what others think or do, all I can try to do is live my own life. Hopefully this will come out in the open someday. I’d like to do something to help that but I don’t know if I can, at least not now. I can’t let myself become hateful even if something terrible is being done to me. There’s too much of a chance in anger in this situation, even if justified, that it is induced, or taken over, or turned into something else.

I guess it may be classic, when abusing someone to turn them into the villain, it sure lets you off the hook. And justifies all kinds of nastiness without having to think about it. This is so violating, in so many ways.

I really hate feeling depressed and bleak. High school depressed is a completely different thing, it’s a sort of melancholy but at the same time things can be beautiful. This is stripped and scary, it’s terrible sometimes to think some would actually kick one out of humanity, and then expect you to just accept it, like that’s what you are. I know I’ve already said this but it’s so damn hateful.

I forgot to write in last post,today was the first day of going back to my original school and completing my degree. At least it was supposed to be. I couldn’t even handle making a phone call there. The guy was speaking in breakneck speed. I don’t know, maybe I should laugh, but wow, is this…pervasive. I mean it’s become apparent that a large percentage of the population is within this group. And I don’t get it. It’s not nice? Good Lord. There are child molesters out there. I don’t know why that always comes to mind, but if you want to talk about unsavory people, they are definitely out there, but apparently I’m an ideal example of something to ridicule and abuse. Of a bad person. I realize that I’m just feeding it at this point, but you know what I don’t care….

The sad part about this whole thing is it does make you paranoid, whether you want to be or not, it forces you, literally. All those small experiences and they want you to freak out, it seems. I feel perhaps the freaking out part is vindicating, or somehow proves, that you deserve to go through this. Philosophy 101 just barely peeking out here. You must be something that deserves to go through this, because, you are going through this. I’ve read it explained much better. If you weren’t , they would be wrong: and that’s just not a possible part of the equation, therefore, you are it.

For anyone else who may read this and go through similar, if you have mental slowdown, something that seems to be helping is an EC stack: ephedrine + caffeine. Check out www.drumlib.com for very helpful info.

I hope you are doing better than I am, if anyone’s reading this.

I just read my first post over 6 months ago. I had forgotten how bad things were. I guess it’s possible I’ve blanked out some of my experiences, and/or my memory is very bad.I do wish I’d kept up this blog now, again, memory is not good, and then I went and threw out many of my written documents from over a year ago as well as losing everything on my computer a few months ago when it was virus-infected. I’m going to try to keep it up and be less emotional and just write down what I’m going through.

The main purpose of this blog is just to keep a document of some of the strange things I go through and see, and I’m going to make an extra effort to take photographs and video when I do go out. Right now that’s a problem for me; I’m not leaving the house very much. I’m just going to be honest and say I’ve made two suicide attempts so far. Not cries for help but it’s not easy to overdose. I hesitate writing that because I don’t want someone to dismiss me as mentally unstable, but the truth is that’s probably going to happen anyway, so I may as well be honest. I go back and forth on the suicide decision. My quality of life is so low that I often feel that I could be honest about being able to withstand my daily life.
I’ve also lost most of my hope that this would eventually stop if I was “good”. I’m not sure what good would mean now to those who are a part of this. It’s so complicated that if I go into it now, I’m going to have to commit to at least 2000 words for this post. I mean, I tweezed my
eyebrows the other day and felt like I looked much better. That was not okay. I’m not supposed to feel pretty. Do I feel like going into why that is bad? Not really. There’s so much maybe a blog post isn’t ideal, maybe I should just write a mini-memoir at this point.

I feel very isolated right now, so much so that I wonder if anyone else goes through this. The only person now that I feel certain was a real victim of this is Gloria Naylor. She no longer goes through this though. I’ve thought maybe they really don’t need that many of us, experimentees or targets or whatever we are. It may work to their favor to have less. Or maybe just less high profile ones, as I believe I am. I think I could go on with my life, if I wasn’t forced to think about this so much. It’s like wearing a suit almost, I don’t know how else to describe it. You think and feel things, and sometimes “wear” a mood that isn’t real, like it’s played back. It’s a physical experience, I can pinpoint it sometimes by concentrating.

I ordered Remote Control by Steve Lynch and 1984 by George Orwell today. I did a
“bad” thing,using my mom’s credit card to order this. I know I shouldn’t but I rationalize it.
Sometimes I think about getting a job but for the most part I’ve given up on this idea. I wonder if things would be better now and if I’d have better hope if I had gotten a job almost right away after coming back from the Azores and being in that better mental state. Also the general group of people didn’t seem so hateful towards me, as it seems they are to me now. I feel like I’m pretty much damned at this point. It’s hard not to, I mean you are, with this being done to you.

A few quotes that caught my eye recently-

“Much less evil would be done on earth if evil could not be done in the name of good.” -Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

“In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.” – George Orwell

And my favorite-

“You are a human being. You have rights inherent in that reality. You have dignity and worth that exists prior to law.” -Lyn Beth Neylon

Life is so precious. I wish I had taken to heart all those admonitions and other quotes over the years that you never know what can happen, that any day your life might end or some other thing could take away your health, your loved ones. You really don’t know what’s waiting for you, or what life has planned out for you – if that’s how it goes.

I remember getting warnings – warning dreams, feelings, so I can’t help feeling there is some sense to it all. That’s partly now why I so strongly believe that within all of us, there lies the truth, that inner voice. I ignored mine, which is what I believe made me vulnerable to this.