Right now there is a truly horrible, f–ked up deep itch being forced on and under my breasts.  I don’t understand why I keep being surprised by the level of hate and ugliness in this.  Part of the point in doing this is the humiliation I feel if I did succumb and scratch my breasts in an unprivate display; of course, I’m too conceited to deserve any kind of dignity and respect as a living being and need to be “put in my place”.

Scratching doesn’t help anyway as it just comes back and the relief is a teaser so unsatisfying and scary it makes me cry, so I just have to sit here and curse to myself in wonder at what kind of souls these people are cultivating as they do this.

Or is it like the majority of meat-eaters in the world who somehow are able to separate that part of themselves that blindly and unthinkingly is responsible for death, and still may be “good” people.  Just confusing.  Having done this to me does hammer home all over again, hey, evil is real.  Maybe not cartoon, Satan-worshipping evil, but I actually think I’m a responsible, good member of society while I sit here at these controls and torture someone who begs for her life (see Stanford Prison Experiment by Philip Zimbardo).  Routine will get you used to anything?  Daily life is tricky in my own experience, I got used to an emotional abuser and didn’t see him for what he was.  “The banality of evil”.  They should add to that the banality of a new day.

Torturing a person by causing them endless pain, especially while they beg for their life, until that person feels forced to take their own life to end their suffering, is murder.

What I’m experiencing as of today:

Voices in my head, subvocal and once in a while stereo

Forced Visual effects when I try to sleep and close my eyes, such as in a dream (for instance, a cartoon of Carol Burnett singing and dancing mockingly)

Head pain and numbing, where my normal thinking is blocked (hard to explain, I don’t think normally anymore, or as they call it, “flow”, it’s as if my head is physically and mentally stuffed)

Sometimes Needle pricks,  burning sensation in feet

Horrible itching on breasts

Hateful comments by strangers when I go out sometimes, example “Sterilize her” in insanely hateful Nazi-ish voice at grocery store

Possibly the worst effects now- Forced thoughts, Forced emotions, and Forced reactions.

-These are the worst as they are 1)almost impossible to separate from real thoughts, feelings or reactions unless they are just blatant, 2) they seem to happen at least 50% of the day, which means at least half the day I am feeling something else’s thoughts and feelings, so I may as well not even be present, 3) although everything I experience is very violating and a an attack whether physical or mental, this is an especially thorough rape of my person.  Although I’ve never been physically raped by another human being (although I have once been physically raped by “it”), I would a hundred times rather be raped that way than to continue to live this daily rape of my mind and my soul.

I am tired of being raped every day, every minute of my life and what I am going through, is without any doubt, real rape.  I don’t know what to hope for anymore, as it seems I can’t hope for myself anymore.  I hope my family heals as quickly and as wholly as possible.  I guess all I can really hope for is a miracle.

I hope the perpetrators of this hatred and violence towards me recognize some day what they really did and that they collectively took part in rape and murder, a vicious hate crime of which I had no ability to defend myself and did nothing to bring upon myself.

I hope if their hearts are really that black towards me that they can’t feel or see anything, they at least see the pain in my family and then recognize this evil for what it is.

I hope so much that this comes out in the open, and that all the victims of this ugly, violent, vicious hate crime get some justice and truth.  The world deserves better than this, and I don’t care if that sounds corny or stupid.  Every single person’s life counts, every single person’s life on this earth is sacred.  I have never murdered, raped, or destroyed another human being’s life.  I have never done anything illegal that I could or should be put in jail that I’m aware of.  I have done nothing to deserve my life being taken away from me.  I hope that it has been apparent in this blog how much I don’t want to die and that I feel as if I have been forced to this decision.  Every day my life is stolen from me.  I can’t stand being raped every day like this.  I really don’t know what else I could do.  I’ve begged for my own life and this is what I’ve heard back, literally, from the mouths of strangers in fast food restaurants and stores:  “Do it.”  “Everybody has to die sometime,right?”  And they accuse me of not having a heart.

…The Mask of Sanity, first published in 1941 and written by the late Dr. Hervey Cleckley, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the Medical College of Georgia.
Some people are born deaf, some are born blind or whatever, and this book is about congenitally defective human beings of a sort who are making this whole country and many other parts of the planet go completely haywire nowadays. These are people born without consciences. They know full well the pain their actions may cause others to feel but do not care. They cannot care. They came into this world with a screw loose, and now they’re taking charge of everything. They appear to be great leaders because they are so decisive. Do this! Do that! What makes them so decisive is that they do not care and cannot care what happens next.

All this talk about suicide sounds pretty morbid and some people would feel like something like contempt for it. They dismissed it and belittled it in my head this morning. “My life is a pain” in a preteen boppy voice. Like I want my life to end because I’m just a melodramatic wuss, or something. I wonder if those who are doing this have ever felt real pain, or it is just the simple fact that I’m so dehumanized at this point that they can do this with absolutely no guilt. They seem to have overwhelming approval, and I don’t fool myself anymore that my possible suicide is something they would feel responsibility for, or if they did that they would really care. Like I said in my last post, I’ve had to scarily accept the existence of true evil in this world. I no longer feel like I’m being dramatic by saying this.

I think evil may be, as I read in a quote I can’t remember, just turning your head away. Good people doing nothing. Or becoming acclimated to the unacceptable, just a little at a time and eventually it seems OK, especially when no one around you seems to have a problem with it. So if you have a problem with it, then it must be you, right? I read somewhere that the real people being brainwashed here are the “perps”. I hesitate using that word since perps at this point means pretty much everyone or potentially everyone.

And then I think some do feel bad about it, but they blame you. Because they have to. Otherwise, they’d have to look at themselves or the reality of something that I can’t stand to look at myself. The illusion of independence and freedom in this country is perpetuated everywhere, still I ask myself surprisingly? As if this gangstalking harassment crap started with me. Watching TV just feels like such a lie, like I can imagine people coming up with these cultural myths, to make people feel OK and like they are really in control, like the world makes sense and America is truly the awesome democracy that you grew up with.

Like those Juno movie commercials annoy the hell out of me. I don’t know if it’s because I feel an underlying message of, This is a cool movie and you are cool too if you watch it. But also the reality of it, that the society of…well, people, that is portrayed is at least partially cut off from me, and also the feeling like I can see underneath it and it’s not so pretty, is it.

I can understand, somewhat though. I wouldn’t want to look at it either, back when I still had free will and a free life. I felt as if most leaders, although probably bad, were just an unchangeable evil. And that America was still basically free and the greatest country to live in. And I grew up accepting that I was in the scheme of things, unimportant, just another citizen obsessed with my reality, which makes accepting this even difficult. I still feel like I should be unimportant, but I think just the stigma of this being done to you, having your mind read and discussed like it wasn’t one of the most Godawful Satanic things you could do to a conscious being, being manipulated physically and emotionally, and being mobbed like a gang of flies on shit wherever you go, is enough to make you a lifelong celebrity freak.

Well, that was a nice purge.

but right now I feel like I just don’t care. This is so heartless and brutal. I can’t understand the kind of people who would do this. Brainwashing.
My last post beating myself up as if there was anything I’ve ever done, ever THOUGHT, that could possibly excuse this.
I think what they are doing is unbelievably, unspeakably evil. I feel and know this because it’s happening to me, right now. But people will go along with this or even believe that this is right.

It’s not. And I might end up killing myself but not because I’m defective or evil, but because I was tortured to the point where I couldn’t go on anymore.

I just don’t want to live like this. It’s not worth it. Obviously nobody gives a damn because look at this, for the love of God. They actually went and made things much worse for me.

Why did God set people up to have this capacity for evil? Why did he give us the ability to turn away from suffering as if we weren’t partly responsible…

Evil is a real thing, I know that now and that is the main thing that scares me away from suicide. Because if evil is so palpable now then it seems there should be goodness, and for all I know there is a real heaven and hell. But it’s strangely even though I feel this presence of evil so hard now to believe in God suddenly. I don’t know what it is, if the pain is too great to even think of a God that would see and allow this, like maybe I’m just too hurt and bewildered that He/She would let this happen.

It hurts to think of the life I used to have and the potential that there was, not just because I was younger but just because I was alive, the potential of life at any age and that seems to have been cut off for me. If I’m cut off from other people for the rest of my life what does that leave to live for? Just pain and anguish and being punished for ridiculous concocted bullshit. At this point it’s really about not hurting my family. But I’m sorry, they don’t deserve a dead daughter , but I can’t do this. I don’t know why no one cares. I don’t understand how people can watch someone be forced to grapple with such a decision and not care, like my life doesn’t matter.

Because that’s the real message of this, is that my life doesn’t matter and I’m defective enough to not matter or count as a human being.

Well not a great day so far. I feel this sort of hopeless depressed restless and irritable feeling. I feel some anger today at what’s being done to me and my family and how people can be this clueless and this ugly. You don’t need to know it all to know what this is. Angry at the theft of a large part of my life, the hatred and ferocity behind this, the reasoning used to justify doing this to another person…

it’s upsetting to me sometimes to see how satisfied and happy they are with themselves and what they are doing- gleeful really . I know I should know better now than to be angry, that yes, there’s cruelty, hatred and violence and that sometimes people can excuse almost anything to themselves and to others, and that it might even feel good to those involved, to see someone so skewered and feel like, yeah bitch we got you…

actually believing too that that person has done something personally to you and deserves your hatred, violence and ridicule.

I hate feeling like I’ve lost faith in the basic decency of people in general. How I feel is kind of summarized in a quote I read yesterday: ” I love humanity, but I hate people. ” Hate is too strong , but I feel so disillusioned, disappointed and maybe just grossed out. It would be nice if others could see through other’s eyes every once in a while.

Wanted to remind myself, that my anger perhaps should be reserved for those who are really in charge of this, whoever’s on top here. I don’t know though, who deserves the more contempt and judgement? The ones who actually came up with and implement it, or the numbers of those who accept this, or even love this. “He loved Big Brother”, geez. Funny how I loved 1984 and Lord of the Flies, and here I am living it. The universe has a funny sense of irony and humor, or something.

It makes me wonder about our future and fate, and how much if anything is predestined. I had those warnings and dreams so I could have changed it had I recognized or taken them seriously.

I need a life, really. If I was free to do that in a normal life, that would clear up so many of my other issues, for instance the depression, the pastobsessed daydreaming which is at least partly inititated by it. If I got a job I’m almost sure I’d be miserable. I seem to be better off locked up here.

This is pretty f–ked up. I could say this all day and it wouldn’t be enough. You just don’t do this to people. The end. I know that, you should too, no matter what anyone else says. I don’t need to explain myself or any of my weirdness, badness, bitchiness. None of any of that could make this OK.

I feel I need to work to get a life back together, and deal with the discomfort. I can’t do anything about what others think or do, all I can try to do is live my own life. Hopefully this will come out in the open someday. I’d like to do something to help that but I don’t know if I can, at least not now. I can’t let myself become hateful even if something terrible is being done to me. There’s too much of a chance in anger in this situation, even if justified, that it is induced, or taken over, or turned into something else.

I guess it may be classic, when abusing someone to turn them into the villain, it sure lets you off the hook. And justifies all kinds of nastiness without having to think about it. This is so violating, in so many ways.

I really hate feeling depressed and bleak. High school depressed is a completely different thing, it’s a sort of melancholy but at the same time things can be beautiful. This is stripped and scary, it’s terrible sometimes to think some would actually kick one out of humanity, and then expect you to just accept it, like that’s what you are. I know I’ve already said this but it’s so damn hateful.