Tightening the throat muscles of a living being so that they are unable to get enough air is torture.  Doing it for any reason is torture.  You would not do that to a cow, and they are legally killed and put in local supermarkets, but for some reason, my life means less than that of a cow or an any food animal.

Torture is inexcusable and is inherently evil.

The Convention Against Torture defines torture in the following terms:

Any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him… information or a confession, punishing him for an act he… has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him.

—United Nations Convention Against Torture, (Article 1)

Well the two above effects are ones I forget to put down but I’m experiencing right now.  The difficulty breathing gives you a feeling like you’re about to have a panic attack, and I can sort of tell where it’s closing in my throat so that I can’t get enough air.  Another effect is this forced unnatural eye widening.  It’s bad not only because it makes my eyes look strange (at least to me they do), but it feels strange, almost like you’re trying to look at something unfocused.

I still have the bad itch, but used something that helps a little:  Tiger Balm.  Smells but it gives a good hot sensation that distracts.  Vaseline does not work.  Vicks might help too.

Right now there is a truly horrible, f–ked up deep itch being forced on and under my breasts.  I don’t understand why I keep being surprised by the level of hate and ugliness in this.  Part of the point in doing this is the humiliation I feel if I did succumb and scratch my breasts in an unprivate display; of course, I’m too conceited to deserve any kind of dignity and respect as a living being and need to be “put in my place”.

Scratching doesn’t help anyway as it just comes back and the relief is a teaser so unsatisfying and scary it makes me cry, so I just have to sit here and curse to myself in wonder at what kind of souls these people are cultivating as they do this.

Or is it like the majority of meat-eaters in the world who somehow are able to separate that part of themselves that blindly and unthinkingly is responsible for death, and still may be “good” people.  Just confusing.  Having done this to me does hammer home all over again, hey, evil is real.  Maybe not cartoon, Satan-worshipping evil, but I actually think I’m a responsible, good member of society while I sit here at these controls and torture someone who begs for her life (see Stanford Prison Experiment by Philip Zimbardo).  Routine will get you used to anything?  Daily life is tricky in my own experience, I got used to an emotional abuser and didn’t see him for what he was.  “The banality of evil”.  They should add to that the banality of a new day.

Came back from a place where I was sure it was over.  It is crazy how much you really want to live life when faced with it being taken away.  Your mind comes up with all kinds of ways you might be able to get through this, make things better.

I did decide almost suddenly while I was going through this last agony that I needed to be vegetarian, that to have any respect for myself I could no longer if I had a choice be a part of something that caused pain and death to any living animal.   It feels truly horrible to be faced with your own death and to feel completely powerless against it, and to be in that much pain.  How do I know what those animals feel when they know they’re about to die and they’re screaming (which they do), and they are hurting?  My life and my suffering has been judged and weighed to be less than shit by those who are doing this to me, just the same.  I would be such a hypocrite and I wouldn’t have the right to say anything to those who torture me, when I know myself that I have the power to take away suffering from living beings.  I hope I don’t sound sanctimonious, but how else do I say this?  Pain is horrible.  To cause pain to a living being, I had better have a good reason, if I’m going to be able to look at myself.   If I’m going to ignore the pain of another living being, because I’ve been conditioned to think I am better than them or they are inferior, then aren’t I doing the same thing they do to me?

I saw photos of cow carcasses skinned and hanging by their feet in refrigerators and I felt like I almost could know what that felt like, to feel that powerless, to have your death be that meaningless and casual and part of a machine.

I’ve been brainwashed to think of vegetarians as militant idiots so I’m reading what I’m writing and thinking I sound like that, as if just by virtue of comparing your life to an animal’s you must be a moron.  Uggh.

Torturing a person by causing them endless pain, especially while they beg for their life, until that person feels forced to take their own life to end their suffering, is murder.

What I’m experiencing as of today:

Voices in my head, subvocal and once in a while stereo

Forced Visual effects when I try to sleep and close my eyes, such as in a dream (for instance, a cartoon of Carol Burnett singing and dancing mockingly)

Head pain and numbing, where my normal thinking is blocked (hard to explain, I don’t think normally anymore, or as they call it, “flow”, it’s as if my head is physically and mentally stuffed)

Sometimes Needle pricks,  burning sensation in feet

Horrible itching on breasts

Hateful comments by strangers when I go out sometimes, example “Sterilize her” in insanely hateful Nazi-ish voice at grocery store

Possibly the worst effects now- Forced thoughts, Forced emotions, and Forced reactions.

-These are the worst as they are 1)almost impossible to separate from real thoughts, feelings or reactions unless they are just blatant, 2) they seem to happen at least 50% of the day, which means at least half the day I am feeling something else’s thoughts and feelings, so I may as well not even be present, 3) although everything I experience is very violating and a an attack whether physical or mental, this is an especially thorough rape of my person.  Although I’ve never been physically raped by another human being (although I have once been physically raped by “it”), I would a hundred times rather be raped that way than to continue to live this daily rape of my mind and my soul.

I am tired of being raped every day, every minute of my life and what I am going through, is without any doubt, real rape.  I don’t know what to hope for anymore, as it seems I can’t hope for myself anymore.  I hope my family heals as quickly and as wholly as possible.  I guess all I can really hope for is a miracle.

I hope the perpetrators of this hatred and violence towards me recognize some day what they really did and that they collectively took part in rape and murder, a vicious hate crime of which I had no ability to defend myself and did nothing to bring upon myself.

I hope if their hearts are really that black towards me that they can’t feel or see anything, they at least see the pain in my family and then recognize this evil for what it is.

I hope so much that this comes out in the open, and that all the victims of this ugly, violent, vicious hate crime get some justice and truth.  The world deserves better than this, and I don’t care if that sounds corny or stupid.  Every single person’s life counts, every single person’s life on this earth is sacred.  I have never murdered, raped, or destroyed another human being’s life.  I have never done anything illegal that I could or should be put in jail that I’m aware of.  I have done nothing to deserve my life being taken away from me.  I hope that it has been apparent in this blog how much I don’t want to die and that I feel as if I have been forced to this decision.  Every day my life is stolen from me.  I can’t stand being raped every day like this.  I really don’t know what else I could do.  I’ve begged for my own life and this is what I’ve heard back, literally, from the mouths of strangers in fast food restaurants and stores:  “Do it.”  “Everybody has to die sometime,right?”  And they accuse me of not having a heart.

Since I’ve been officially targeted about 2 and a half years ago, I have been tortured for reasons of supposedly needing to be punished. The first major punishment happened in April 2006. I was on my computer and became agitated and angry and began typing angry statements about how the perps were sick, evil and were wrong to hurt me. That’s when the first terrible body contortions and jerking happened, and then soon after the V2K (forced voices in the head).

What’s become very clear since then, about 2 years, is that it has over and over again, forced certain thoughts, emotions, and words into my head, and then used them as justification to worsen my torture. Not only that but even though I’m aware of this manipulation, I’ve had little success in fighting the induced reactions off. It’s as if they are able to bypass my better judgement and self-control. I haven’t lost all hope in trying to protect myself from the forced thoughts, feelings and spoken words, but at this point I’ve finally accepted just how powerful the mind control is. It’s almost painful to ignore it, like something pulling hard at your mind to turn your head and look at it even though you don’t want to and you know it’s not coming from you.

And then there’s the scary and honest implications of this, that first, there really is very little I can do to protect myself. Second, somehow those who are doing this are fully conscious that they are manipulating me and then using those manipulations to excuse worsening effects. So, they either know what they are doing is wrong and dishonest, and simply don’t care, or they are able to justify it to themselves, possibly as forcing me to “see my problems” or what they see as my problems, therefore they have to force me to face my supposed defects, and that then justifies punishing me for something that did not originate from me.

Another aspect of this which also goes to prove that it doesn’t really matter what I do to “be good”, and that this will likely happen to me for either the rest of my life or an extremely long time, is that it I am no longer punished for my actions, or spoken words. I am now punished for thoughts. Let me repeat, because I’ve gotten so used to it that the full import of it doesn’t strike me like it should: No matter what I do or don’t do, or what I say or don’t say, in the end, they can worsen the torture for me by excuse of my THOUGHTS.

An example of this recently: A big theme of theirs as one of my supposed problems is that it is not okay for me to want to be attractive, or as they put it, “you can’t be pretty”, “you’re 18 again” , “cabra”, “show-off girl” , and “cabra”, and “supermodel”. All of this is inferred because I have the audacity to want to look nice, and yes, maybe even pretty. Even though it is not wrong or considered inappropriate for other women my age to blow-dry their hair, apply makeup, and dress nicely, it has been decided that for me it is. And this is a HUGE thing for them apparently. The past few months, when I go out I’ve dressed modestly, worn little to no makeup and haven’t even blow-dried my hair. Yet, still, about a month ago, they decided to worsen things for me severely, to the point where I couldn’t even watch TV or read a book, so I simply lay on my bed and counted to myself to block out what was happening and the passage of time I couldn’t spend. The reason they worsened things, was because of my thoughts. Thoughts about high school (and being attractive). So I didn’t have a chance, as I’ve never heard of someone able to completely edit and control their own thoughts. Not only that, but the thoughts were induced. So I never had and still don’t have a chance in hell.

After I worked all this out in my head and out loud last night (induced spoken words), I heard in my head a women’s voice “We got you.” Which to me meant they do know exactly what they’re doing, that in the end they are torturing me because that’s what they want to do, and they don’t need a reason. They’ll use a reason, not that there could ever be a good reason to do this, but it turns out even those are lies.

So I’m going to try to stop the forced thoughts, the forced anger, the forced outbursts, but I accepted yesterday that I might not be able to, and when they want to, all they have to do is push their buttons and they have their reason. Hopefully in the moment next time I will be able to stop it, but I forgive myself if I can’t. I do wish so much that I could stop the inducements successfully though. One incident is enough justification for them to worsen torture a minimum of 6 months, more likely a year.

For the past two days a marked worsening of one certain effect, the pain jolts that last about 1 second but can be very painful and feel almost like needles. It might be worse the aftereffect which is your body goes info a fight-or-flight mode but of course, there’s no way to guard or prepare for the attacks. Last night it was on and off constant for at least one hour which was uncommon, painful and stressful.

This while I’m still having to sit on a vibrating chair to distract from the wet feeling in the crotch/anus area, increased head numbing which is localized in the front part of my head, some aches and always constant mental manipulation, that is, manipulated thoughts and feelings. It’s no wonder that I’m still amazed they felt the need to create a situation to make things worse for me a few weeks ago. I’ve almost forgiven myself for forgetting that they create artificial situations or emotions to get me to react, and then punish me for the reaction… or the reaction is induced. I don’t even know.

Also I almost forgot that I am having to use my Ipod on and off to avoid hearing voices. They are not clear “stereo sound” but are in subvocal hearing. Still upsetting to deal with. I’m worried about my hearing since I am now being forced to go to sleep with them on, but the alternative is too stressful. Only a few seconds of silence and my head is filled with shit.

There’s an underlying quiet shock that they can be this ugly. It’s as if I forgot. I really think it may be partly due to timing, since this is the second time it’s happened, in April! It’s before school going out, maybe that has something to do with it.

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