trying to maintain some dignity during my last weeks

People’s faces outside of family are stone-cold, maybe they were always this way or giggling almost guiltily. Everything has progressed to straight out-and-out torture. I felt like I wanted to scream and rip my skin off, like I was shaking inside my skin. I felt waves of pain. I was horrified [...]

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july 7 2009

I keep being surprised  by how frightened I am sometimes now – I am very aware that I might do this, and soon, especially now that I have figured out how to poison myself without using drugs that are going to be almost impossible to get my hands on.  All-natural. 
They are going to put the [...]

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This site does not help the TI cause, closing it

Today I realized that this site is most likely highly irresponsible.  A journal type , uncensored site like this can only have a positive effect if these abuses were out in the open.  I’m very sorry if I have caused any damage no matter how small, but hopefully I haven’t.  It’s too easy for someone [...]

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Can’t breathe, forced panic attack

Tightening the throat muscles of a living being so that they are unable to get enough air is torture.  Doing it for any reason is torture.  You would not do that to a cow, and they are legally killed and put in local supermarkets, but for some reason, my life means less than that of [...]

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Definition of Torture

The Convention Against Torture defines torture in the following terms:

Any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him… information or a confession, punishing him for an act he… has committed or is suspected of having committed, [...]

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Difficulty breathing and unnatural eye widening

Well the two above effects are ones I forget to put down but I’m experiencing right now.  The difficulty breathing gives you a feeling like you’re about to have a panic attack, and I can sort of tell where it’s closing in my throat so that I can’t get enough air.  Another effect is this [...]

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Unbelievable Depravity

Right now there is a truly horrible, f–ked up deep itch being forced on and under my breasts.  I don’t understand why I keep being surprised by the level of hate and ugliness in this.  Part of the point in doing this is the humiliation I feel if I did succumb and scratch my breasts [...]

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Came back again

Came back from a place where I was sure it was over.  It is crazy how much you really want to live life when faced with it being taken away.  Your mind comes up with all kinds of ways you might be able to get through this, make things better.
I did decide almost suddenly while [...]

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Torture is murder

Torturing a person by causing them endless pain, especially while they beg for their life, until that person feels forced to take their own life to end their suffering, is murder.
What I’m experiencing as of today:
Voices in my head, subvocal and once in a while stereo
Forced Visual effects when I try to sleep and close [...]

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I’m not crying wolf

Look, I just want to make it clear if there are any perps who read this aware of my situation, just because I make the decision to try my best to live my life and make it if I can, does not mean that I will not commit suicide within a year as I claimed [...]

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