This is really hurting.

I’m wondering if I sound whiny on here. I’ve been treating this blog basically as an almost unfiltered diary, not caring how I sounded as I’d resolved not to change my behavior because of worry of what “they” will say, as that is one slippery slope. Everything you do or say or think is evidence of your defect of character to excuse what they do to you anyway, despite any efforts to change, “be good”. Yikes. The word “good” is a frequently used theme on me. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know what it means, it’s really more for them than you, the secret codes and inside jokes. Rib-elbowing stuff here. It’s like a perp individual can have an instant gleeful camraderie with a total stranger over you. I’ve seen it over and over again. Haha, isn’t it hilarious that I can use this seemingly innocuous word and can instantly, privately convey to you that that bitch is being tortured every night by us and damn, but that’s funny. And they really believe all of it too, that you deserve it. Like you did something to them personally, is something the powers that be are especially good in inculcating in the perps. What I mean is some of them hate you and want you to hurt, but it’s personal. Scary ass mob behavior, and I do not have a problem using the word “mob”. That’s supposed to be evidence of my stuck-up people hating, to them. I don’t hate people but apparently groups of people are capable of doing some extra-special nastiness and justifying it.

I think they kind of look at it as I’m arrogant. I think some of them believe their numbers against me is evidence of them being right, and who do I think I am? But that’s something I learned the very hard way, is that I need to trust my self and that I do know right from wrong, without needing anyone to tell(brainwash) me. If only I’d known this 10 years ago, that really you are lucky if you find a couple of people you can call friends, but that you should never lose yourself, never let anyone make you believe you and what you think and feel doesn’t matter. What I feel is real, who I am is real.

All this talk about suicide sounds pretty morbid and some people would feel like something like contempt for it. They dismissed it and belittled it in my head this morning. “My life is a pain” in a preteen boppy voice. Like I want my life to end because I’m just a melodramatic wuss, or something. I wonder if those who are doing this have ever felt real pain, or it is just the simple fact that I’m so dehumanized at this point that they can do this with absolutely no guilt. They seem to have overwhelming approval, and I don’t fool myself anymore that my possible suicide is something they would feel responsibility for, or if they did that they would really care. Like I said in my last post, I’ve had to scarily accept the existence of true evil in this world. I no longer feel like I’m being dramatic by saying this.

I think evil may be, as I read in a quote I can’t remember, just turning your head away. Good people doing nothing. Or becoming acclimated to the unacceptable, just a little at a time and eventually it seems OK, especially when no one around you seems to have a problem with it. So if you have a problem with it, then it must be you, right? I read somewhere that the real people being brainwashed here are the “perps”. I hesitate using that word since perps at this point means pretty much everyone or potentially everyone.

And then I think some do feel bad about it, but they blame you. Because they have to. Otherwise, they’d have to look at themselves or the reality of something that I can’t stand to look at myself. The illusion of independence and freedom in this country is perpetuated everywhere, still I ask myself surprisingly? As if this gangstalking harassment crap started with me. Watching TV just feels like such a lie, like I can imagine people coming up with these cultural myths, to make people feel OK and like they are really in control, like the world makes sense and America is truly the awesome democracy that you grew up with.

Like those Juno movie commercials annoy the hell out of me. I don’t know if it’s because I feel an underlying message of, This is a cool movie and you are cool too if you watch it. But also the reality of it, that the society of…well, people, that is portrayed is at least partially cut off from me, and also the feeling like I can see underneath it and it’s not so pretty, is it.

I can understand, somewhat though. I wouldn’t want to look at it either, back when I still had free will and a free life. I felt as if most leaders, although probably bad, were just an unchangeable evil. And that America was still basically free and the greatest country to live in. And I grew up accepting that I was in the scheme of things, unimportant, just another citizen obsessed with my reality, which makes accepting this even difficult. I still feel like I should be unimportant, but I think just the stigma of this being done to you, having your mind read and discussed like it wasn’t one of the most Godawful Satanic things you could do to a conscious being, being manipulated physically and emotionally, and being mobbed like a gang of flies on shit wherever you go, is enough to make you a lifelong celebrity freak.

Well, that was a nice purge.