Original plans back on , suicide triggers warning

I’m not even going to go into this too much, but, they are winning, and that’s it. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I really don’t see any reason to continue doing this. I can’t even do anything about it for at least a few more months due to an important event coming up that I would ruin if I did anything sooner. I am not saying the life of a target is not worth living, this is just about me. If I could do something that made a difference, but I’m not and it would hurt my family anyway. I’m being murdered and that’s it, that’s the truth. They’ll just keep throwing the anger at me, as if was coming from me, and then punish me for whatever reaction comes out of it, as they’ve been doing for the past two and a half years. I’m very scared and I don’t want to but I don’t know what else I can do. Sorry if this sounds like I want attention, I don’t think it is that, I just wanted to write down what I realized today. And hopefully it will keep me from living off of false hope as I have before. I understand it could care less if I die and possibly even wants that but I don’t care, who cares if evil gets satisfaction out of my death, when I could live a life out in pain instead, for what? It’s better for me to just accept that my life has been destroyed and I’m just a walking symbol now being used for mind control and power over perp population. I really wish I could have done some other things during my life but I’m not even going to try to fool myself that I can in this condition. So that’s it, that’s how you kill a human being without ever laying hands on them or entering their home. No proof, and my family will think it was a suicide and will have to deal with that pain. This is MURDER. NOT suicide.

Perps masquerading as Targets

This is a topic I don’t see discussed much at all, but since I’ve discovered I was a targeted individual, almost every supposed target I have contacted has been a perp, or probably a perp. I feel embarrassed at saying this because I feel it sounds paranoid, but I’m certain by now that a large part of the TI community are actually very good actors.

Examples:

1. One target I started emailing back and forth seemed like the real thing: she had a website, professional looking videos on youtube where she seemed in genuine pain and suffered from the same type of remote physical manipulation I did, and sold a video of these assorted videos. I even sent her a check to her nonprofit, which was a mistake since she proceeded to for some reason mail a completely unanonymous letter detailing the plight of the electronically harassed and gangstalked to my parent’s house, and this after I had made clear my family thought I was mentally ill and were considering placing me in “proper care” (they only wanted to do this because the harassment was so visibly horrible that they didn’t think they could care for me properly, at the time I had severe body jerking and forced speech, including screaming “F–k you” and other assorted niceties). For awhile I tried to ignore all the triggers in her emails because I was so desperate for contact but then realized the truth. What’s funny too is this person is a prominent member of one of the top electronic harassment videos, a conference, on youtube.

2. I called the help number of one of the major electronic harassment/gangstalking websites. Wow. She seemed alright at first with her accent, but then it became pretty clear with the abundant use of triggers that she was a perp. I still can’t believe somebody can put themselves in a position of help for targets and be just a perp trigger machine. I mean, I was desperate. And this woman proceeded to imply that basically I should or would do something violent. To paraphrase: When you’re faced with them(perps), you’ll know what to do, she said ominously. Her tone became steadily through the conversation virulently hostile. Basically saying my anger would tell me what to do?! Like of course, because I’m crazy and dangerous. I’d love to say the name of this website but have no idea if this would get me in any trouble.

3. Discussions at phone number rooms. Sometimes those rooms are chockful of perps. The times I’ve called they use the secret codes that I usually don’t understand, only I’m sensitized to them. They will often say blatantly stupid and crazy things such as one example of a woman claiming that the black helicopters some of us are harassed by are not real, and are in fact illusions of gas. If you have someone you’re trying to convince that this is a real phenomenon, do not use these open to the public phone numbers as a tool. It seems they have a group of what are basically actors who frequent phone rooms. Derrick Robinson’s site has a collection of phone number conference rooms, but it also has a lot of info on electronic harassment and a page to contact other TI’s, so may have better luck on his website.

4. And of course, email groups and forums, such as mcforums. Mcforums is either alot of technical information that I do not understand how it will help the nontechie TI, or it is covered in perps. I’m not fond of this forum and it’s unfortunately one of very few. (Update: I think I was hasty in saying mcforums is “covered in perps”. Really you just have to be careful, those who are perps are difficult to tell from targets. And I don’t mean to insult anyone on there who is a target or those who are genuinely trying to educate, so my apologies if I did).

Where to find genuine targets? So far it seems there’s a few spread out in the forums, on blogs, and youtube videos. The whole experience has made me feel that there are indeed relatively few actual knowing targets out there. If you’re not sure, I would be careful about sharing private information with them, and to not ignore your gut feelings, while at the same time trying to not be too paranoid. If you’re on the phone with someone and feel uncomfortable, you can always just say I have to go or hang up.

One genuine target is Gloria Naylor. You can tell from her interviews that she has really gone through this (http://www.shoestringradio.net ) and she wrote a great book called 1996.

Also many websites offer helpful information and a couple have target contact lists.

• http://www.raven1.net
• http://www.mindjustice.org
• http://www.freedomfchs.com
• http://www.shoestringradio.net
• http://www.wanttoknow.info

I guess I’ve learned from writing this post it is important to keep in mind that they want to change the way you see the world, to see everyone as a perp, and I need to keep that in mind. Even if a person turns out to be a perp, I can hopefully stop myself from seeing the world as an ugly place, because that’s what they want. There are good, decent people out there. And perps are rarely “evil”, it’s more complicated than that. It’s difficult to reconcile otherwise good people doing things that are in their nature, basically evil. It makes me think of a Kurt Vonnegut quote which I can’t find, so excuse my paraphrasing:

Anybody who tries to understand why anyone does anything is an idiot.

Other Kurt Vonnegut quotes to remember:

“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.”

“There is no order in the world around us, we must adapt ourselves to the requirements of chaos instead. It is hard to adapt to chaos, but it can be done. I am living proof of that: It can be done.

- Breakfast of Champions

“Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder ‘why, why, why?’
Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand.”

- Cat’s Cradle

Circle – poem

I dreamed a ring of fire enclosed
us, it roared and singed but
the flames around would make us friends
and keep outsiders shut;

The bond of need, cemented tight
by the lonely girls became
A dead playground, we knew too much
and ghosts shifted the blame.

Resentful friends no longer spoke;
The fire split and cleaved through
our circle, burning clear other
paths and making new-

(written by me, unless noted on this site I am the author, any suggestions on punctuation here?)

A half-decent poem at 15- Glory Worship

So I’m having a bad day and trying to occupy it now by finding lost poems.  Here is one actually decent one from when I was 15 years old, only 17 years ago.

Glory Worship

Mossy aqua velvet reservoir
Rainbow reflections
of plastic sea creatures
Against a crispy marmalade sun

Wispy strands of cloud
Compliment an open dome
of periwinkle sky

Dust claps in clouds
from your hands

Pungent, abundant heat
Salty sweat rolls off
Your neck and the backs
of your knees

Enriched shade while
Wearing your Ray-Bans
and a brighter scope of
Vision and emotion without

Radioactive pebbles of sand
Combine with Buttercream SPF 15

Ocean air is unquenchably
Dry and breezeless
Still and thin
Like glass waiting to be
broken
Shattering into a thousand
Glaring points of light

A fiery asphalt road
to the Shaved Hawaiian
Ice/ Hot Dog Stand
And the big blonde bored
woman happy to serve you

An invisible rock inside
your purple compact Keds
is killing you

A guy named Vinnie with
fat forearms
and hairy nipples
Calls to his distanced brother,
“Mario!  Mario!”

And always
HEAT WAVE penetrating

Uneasy premonition that your
face will peel off
tomorrow morning

All the while, your pores
are exposed live wires

Epilogue:  Lazy happy human
bodies worshipping one ancient god.

Joaquin Phoenix pic

I have a bit of a crush, OK?

Other Things to Do

Here’s a list of ways to take my mind off e-harassment:

1. Reading – Lots of library books to read, although I’m not sure I’ll be able to
2. Stumbleupon.com
3. Sleep- Take a Klonopin and hope I get some rest
4. Upload songs off Limewire
5. Use brother’s computer in morning to watch movies and youtube, and podcasts
6. Watch Netflix movies
7. Exercise videos
8. Clean bathrooms and kitchen, dust
9. Learn to knit
10. Check out PZB’s site
11. Read other blogs
12. Write poems, stories, journal
13. Learn to draw maybe

That’s all I can think of. I am really hating this being in perpetual fear of feeling like something is zapping me. It is pretty damn disgusting that they’re doing this. I just heard the word “hot” in my head so that might confirm that it’s a type of burn. I just know it’s painful.

Also I restarted my lowcarb diet yesterday, only to this morning be struck by the thought, but shouldn’t I be a vegetarian? This is something I’m just not sure about. I don’t want to be responsible for causing pain to living, conscious creatures if it isn’t necessary. And it isn’t necessary to eat meat. But I don’t have any income and rely on my parents for food. If I become a vegetarian I will likely find myself living on cereal and potatoes as we eat meat-heavy meals. I don’t want to be a hypocrite though. Meaning, I don’t want to be the kind of person who turns her back on suffering because that suffering is accepted as normal. For instance, those who know in their heart that electronic harassment and gangstalking is wrong, or just accept it because everyone else does. It’s too much of a personal sacrifice for them to do what they know is right or to look deeper into a subject to see the truth. I don’t have to eat meat, I just enjoy it. Animals feel pain, that’s a fact. Do animals care if their life is ended? Probably, but they can’t speak for themselves. So what do I do? If I had any money to spend on groceries this wouldn’t be a problem.

Whining, Brainwashing and Knee-Slapping Weirdo Pod People

This is really hurting.

I’m wondering if I sound whiny on here. I’ve been treating this blog basically as an almost unfiltered diary, not caring how I sounded as I’d resolved not to change my behavior because of worry of what “they” will say, as that is one slippery slope. Everything you do or say or think is evidence of your defect of character to excuse what they do to you anyway, despite any efforts to change, “be good”. Yikes. The word “good” is a frequently used theme on me. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know what it means, it’s really more for them than you, the secret codes and inside jokes. Rib-elbowing stuff here. It’s like a perp individual can have an instant gleeful camraderie with a total stranger over you. I’ve seen it over and over again. Haha, isn’t it hilarious that I can use this seemingly innocuous word and can instantly, privately convey to you that that bitch is being tortured every night by us and damn, but that’s funny. And they really believe all of it too, that you deserve it. Like you did something to them personally, is something the powers that be are especially good in inculcating in the perps. What I mean is some of them hate you and want you to hurt, but it’s personal. Scary ass mob behavior, and I do not have a problem using the word “mob”. That’s supposed to be evidence of my stuck-up people hating, to them. I don’t hate people but apparently groups of people are capable of doing some extra-special nastiness and justifying it.

I think they kind of look at it as I’m arrogant. I think some of them believe their numbers against me is evidence of them being right, and who do I think I am? But that’s something I learned the very hard way, is that I need to trust my self and that I do know right from wrong, without needing anyone to tell(brainwash) me. If only I’d known this 10 years ago, that really you are lucky if you find a couple of people you can call friends, but that you should never lose yourself, never let anyone make you believe you and what you think and feel doesn’t matter. What I feel is real, who I am is real.

Constant worsening and upkeep of electronic harassment

For the past two days a marked worsening of one certain effect, the pain jolts that last about 1 second but can be very painful and feel almost like needles. It might be worse the aftereffect which is your body goes info a fight-or-flight mode but of course, there’s no way to guard or prepare for the attacks. Last night it was on and off constant for at least one hour which was uncommon, painful and stressful.

This while I’m still having to sit on a vibrating chair to distract from the wet feeling in the crotch/anus area, increased head numbing which is localized in the front part of my head, some aches and always constant mental manipulation, that is, manipulated thoughts and feelings. It’s no wonder that I’m still amazed they felt the need to create a situation to make things worse for me a few weeks ago. I’ve almost forgiven myself for forgetting that they create artificial situations or emotions to get me to react, and then punish me for the reaction… or the reaction is induced. I don’t even know.

Also I almost forgot that I am having to use my Ipod on and off to avoid hearing voices. They are not clear “stereo sound” but are in subvocal hearing. Still upsetting to deal with. I’m worried about my hearing since I am now being forced to go to sleep with them on, but the alternative is too stressful. Only a few seconds of silence and my head is filled with shit.

There’s an underlying quiet shock that they can be this ugly. It’s as if I forgot. I really think it may be partly due to timing, since this is the second time it’s happened, in April! It’s before school going out, maybe that has something to do with it.

Recent mind abuse

I don’t have dates but recently:

• had the word antediluvian, put into my head (means old, I’m 32 years old and this is one of their themes for me, that I’m ancient, just another negative theme that is accepted just because they put it out there, like the greed one)
• another word, vituperation. basically bitter complaining. It’s funny, this whole thing since they created the last incident
• an image shot of a brown skinned baby doll, with voodoo like needles going into it’s anus (I’m being targeted there)
• Words: “Cargo for your already swelled head” – another theme, this one of conceit
• Megalomaniac – this word after writing in here
• clearly heard someone’s voice doing some haha sound
• clearly heard a woman’s voice say “Pull”

Am still having the pain of needlelike sensations on my skin, where they sometimes have me jump or make sounds (or they actually come from me sometimes).

Am having insatiable hunger at times and cravings

Doing something to my eyes, that make them unnaturally wide. Started doing this after I had a thought that I liked my eyes, the way they were lidded – another theme here of mine, vanity

They do the seven deadly sins on me, of possessing all of them and of course being punished.

Heard someone when I was out in a salad bar: “It’s like Willy Wonka!” I had had before visual image of being “a bad egg” and not sure, being weighed? Also it said in my head, that Luisa thought I was a bad egg. I was always a little creeped out by Willy Wonka, as good a movie as it is.

Heard in the mall: “Think fast!” I believed this alluded to the forced mental slowdown where I don’t think normally anymore.

Heard in the mall: “Calm down” Believed this alluded to the fake hyperness I get sometimes

Mind control: I’m also being rude to my sister, in a way that I don’t believe is completely my own. Just stupid rude things I say that I don’t even think about, just spout mindlessly. Reminded me of this other incident with my brother: We were eating lunch and then I sniffed loudly in a way that seemed meaningful, and then when he turned to look at me I looked away in a way that seemed on purpose. He had outside working smell but wasn’t that bad, and I did not do those actions on purpose and it felt as if I had been controlled although it was very subtle. He obviously thought I had done it on purpose as I heard “bitch” come from the other room later. I’m writing this down to point out how very easy it is for them to take over like this and hard to pinpoint. It feels very mindless and the only reason I can tell really is from experience and deduction.

Video of My Electronic Torture

Look up Marin75 at photobucket.com