Torture is murder

Torturing a person by causing them endless pain, especially while they beg for their life, until that person feels forced to take their own life to end their suffering, is murder.

What I’m experiencing as of today:

Voices in my head, subvocal and once in a while stereo

Forced Visual effects when I try to sleep and close my eyes, such as in a dream (for instance, a cartoon of Carol Burnett singing and dancing mockingly)

Head pain and numbing, where my normal thinking is blocked (hard to explain, I don’t think normally anymore, or as they call it, “flow”, it’s as if my head is physically and mentally stuffed)

Sometimes Needle pricks,  burning sensation in feet

Horrible itching on breasts

Hateful comments by strangers when I go out sometimes, example “Sterilize her” in insanely hateful Nazi-ish voice at grocery store

Possibly the worst effects now- Forced thoughts, Forced emotions, and Forced reactions.

-These are the worst as they are 1)almost impossible to separate from real thoughts, feelings or reactions unless they are just blatant, 2) they seem to happen at least 50% of the day, which means at least half the day I am feeling something else’s thoughts and feelings, so I may as well not even be present, 3) although everything I experience is very violating and a an attack whether physical or mental, this is an especially thorough rape of my person.  Although I’ve never been physically raped by another human being (although I have once been physically raped by “it”), I would a hundred times rather be raped that way than to continue to live this daily rape of my mind and my soul.

I am tired of being raped every day, every minute of my life and what I am going through, is without any doubt, real rape.  I don’t know what to hope for anymore, as it seems I can’t hope for myself anymore.  I hope my family heals as quickly and as wholly as possible.  I guess all I can really hope for is a miracle.

I hope the perpetrators of this hatred and violence towards me recognize some day what they really did and that they collectively took part in rape and murder, a vicious hate crime of which I had no ability to defend myself and did nothing to bring upon myself.

I hope if their hearts are really that black towards me that they can’t feel or see anything, they at least see the pain in my family and then recognize this evil for what it is.

I hope so much that this comes out in the open, and that all the victims of this ugly, violent, vicious hate crime get some justice and truth.  The world deserves better than this, and I don’t care if that sounds corny or stupid.  Every single person’s life counts, every single person’s life on this earth is sacred.  I have never murdered, raped, or destroyed another human being’s life.  I have never done anything illegal that I could or should be put in jail that I’m aware of.  I have done nothing to deserve my life being taken away from me.  I hope that it has been apparent in this blog how much I don’t want to die and that I feel as if I have been forced to this decision.  Every day my life is stolen from me.  I can’t stand being raped every day like this.  I really don’t know what else I could do.  I’ve begged for my own life and this is what I’ve heard back, literally, from the mouths of strangers in fast food restaurants and stores:  “Do it.”  “Everybody has to die sometime,right?”  And they accuse me of not having a heart.

I’m not crying wolf

Look, I just want to make it clear if there are any perps who read this aware of my situation, just because I make the decision to try my best to live my life and make it if I can, does not mean that I will not commit suicide within a year as I claimed if the situation hasn’t improved.  I am giving a year because I’m hoping that’s enough time that first, their punishment time allows them to lessen the torture and second, that hopefully, they won’t decide to either a) induce another forced episode, usually called by them a “scold”, where I am back at where it started me or b) it decides on some crazy-ass reason to make my torture worse, like the most recent ones of , I think I’m pretty (punishing me for a thought I can’t do anything about), I decide to go ahead and leave the house and not live my life in my room (“you’re not afraid anymore”) , or another one I can do nothing about, “you’re having fun”, which God forbid, I am not allowed apparently in this lifetime.  Mind you,  to the perps, fun for me equals reading a book.   Looking at those possibilities, it does seem my chances are small.  But since I still have a whole year to live, I’m going to at least make an attempt.

So just so you know, this is not crying wolf, it never, NEVER was.  I have been and am completely serious.  If there’s any respect on the value of my life or concern for the future pain of my family, please consider this and remember that I wrote this if I do end up being forced to this terrible decision.

It doesn’t matter what I do

Since I’ve been officially targeted about 2 and a half years ago, I have been tortured for reasons of supposedly needing to be punished. The first major punishment happened in April 2006. I was on my computer and became agitated and angry and began typing angry statements about how the perps were sick, evil and were wrong to hurt me. That’s when the first terrible body contortions and jerking happened, and then soon after the V2K (forced voices in the head).

What’s become very clear since then, about 2 years, is that it has over and over again, forced certain thoughts, emotions, and words into my head, and then used them as justification to worsen my torture. Not only that but even though I’m aware of this manipulation, I’ve had little success in fighting the induced reactions off. It’s as if they are able to bypass my better judgement and self-control. I haven’t lost all hope in trying to protect myself from the forced thoughts, feelings and spoken words, but at this point I’ve finally accepted just how powerful the mind control is. It’s almost painful to ignore it, like something pulling hard at your mind to turn your head and look at it even though you don’t want to and you know it’s not coming from you.

And then there’s the scary and honest implications of this, that first, there really is very little I can do to protect myself. Second, somehow those who are doing this are fully conscious that they are manipulating me and then using those manipulations to excuse worsening effects. So, they either know what they are doing is wrong and dishonest, and simply don’t care, or they are able to justify it to themselves, possibly as forcing me to “see my problems” or what they see as my problems, therefore they have to force me to face my supposed defects, and that then justifies punishing me for something that did not originate from me.

Another aspect of this which also goes to prove that it doesn’t really matter what I do to “be good”, and that this will likely happen to me for either the rest of my life or an extremely long time, is that it I am no longer punished for my actions, or spoken words. I am now punished for thoughts. Let me repeat, because I’ve gotten so used to it that the full import of it doesn’t strike me like it should: No matter what I do or don’t do, or what I say or don’t say, in the end, they can worsen the torture for me by excuse of my THOUGHTS.

An example of this recently: A big theme of theirs as one of my supposed problems is that it is not okay for me to want to be attractive, or as they put it, “you can’t be pretty”, “you’re 18 again” , “cabra”, “show-off girl” , and “cabra”, and “supermodel”. All of this is inferred because I have the audacity to want to look nice, and yes, maybe even pretty. Even though it is not wrong or considered inappropriate for other women my age to blow-dry their hair, apply makeup, and dress nicely, it has been decided that for me it is. And this is a HUGE thing for them apparently. The past few months, when I go out I’ve dressed modestly, worn little to no makeup and haven’t even blow-dried my hair. Yet, still, about a month ago, they decided to worsen things for me severely, to the point where I couldn’t even watch TV or read a book, so I simply lay on my bed and counted to myself to block out what was happening and the passage of time I couldn’t spend. The reason they worsened things, was because of my thoughts. Thoughts about high school (and being attractive). So I didn’t have a chance, as I’ve never heard of someone able to completely edit and control their own thoughts. Not only that, but the thoughts were induced. So I never had and still don’t have a chance in hell.

After I worked all this out in my head and out loud last night (induced spoken words), I heard in my head a women’s voice “We got you.” Which to me meant they do know exactly what they’re doing, that in the end they are torturing me because that’s what they want to do, and they don’t need a reason. They’ll use a reason, not that there could ever be a good reason to do this, but it turns out even those are lies.

So I’m going to try to stop the forced thoughts, the forced anger, the forced outbursts, but I accepted yesterday that I might not be able to, and when they want to, all they have to do is push their buttons and they have their reason. Hopefully in the moment next time I will be able to stop it, but I forgive myself if I can’t. I do wish so much that I could stop the inducements successfully though. One incident is enough justification for them to worsen torture a minimum of 6 months, more likely a year.

Today, how it’s going

About a couple of weeks ago, a new development. My parents were in Pismo and I was at home and on the couch for most of the weekend, alternating between watching Law and Order:CI reruns and reading poetry. I went out to get something to eat and came back home and watched TV. There was recently brought back nose palpitations, which I tried to ignore and soothe. Then after some time, ignoring it caused my head to move a little bit, but it didn’t really bother me at the time. Then it started jerking harder. That was the reintroduction of the violent jerking. I don’t remember how long it lasted, maybe a week or a little less. I am still getting a little head movement, but am usually able to stop it by adjusting my position on the bed,couch or chair,or putting a foam circle pillow under my head. When the jerking started for real, I got very upset. I was sobbing pretty hysterically.
One of the most upsetting aspects of it was that the jerking would happen whenever I tried to focus on something. Not concentrate, but basically just mentally or with my eyes look at anything. So I couldn’t watch TV, because what would happen is my eyes and mind would defocus, then I’d focus again and jerk, then again and again. This was also the case with reading. I tried sitting in my chair completely defocused and not present, but that would also seem to cause the violent jerking.
Right now, here’s what I’m experiencing. The continual head blocking and fullness of the head is there but considerably worse. The right nostril , jerking?, is off and on, and sometimes also comes with my lip and forehead also jerking. A few days ago, I was again sitting on the couch, when I noticed a song was playing in my head, “Beat it”. I tried to ignore it and it was upsetting me. I’m not sure how exactly it happened but soon after that there were subvocal words in my head that weren’t mine and were being heard over even the TV. I tried checking out for about an hour and in my head I heard alot of things I don’t remember, some of them ending with the word bitch. It was strange wording using words that seemed to hold their own meaning for them.
After that I started counting in my head to block it out. I forgot to mention that before I did this, the hour of silence where I had V2K, I started talking out loud, my first intent to make a plea to please not do this to me, that I would kill myself and couldn’t handle it again. At some point in the beginning it was hijacked (something that happened a hell of a lot in the beginning when I would talk out loud), and I started sounding hostile, asking them to please consider what I had ever done to anybody to deserve this, as I had never truly hurt anyone. While this was happening, the old hijacking thing was also happening of my eyes attention roving back and forth while I was talking, and feeling “on”. I eventually snapped out of it and that’s when I fell into the catatonic hour.
As of right now, if I try to watch TV, I somtimes can for a half hour or an hour. There’s been a new effect added which is a feeling like being hit by either a spike of fear or anxiety on my head, or my hear, sometimes with very low stereo sound that is just loud enough to be bothersome. Included with this is body anxiety. Also there is increased imaging at night or when I close my eyes.
For a couple of days, I’ve realized I am better off sometimes just accepting I can’t really “do” anything, as I either can’t focus on it or I’m too uncomfortable, so I lie on my bed in a position where I won’t jerk, try to stare either at the wall or the reflection of the TV as if I close my eyes I may get imaging, and sometimes count in my head to block any words, or I’ll try to listen to something like the history channel on TV where they talk alot. It’s worse if I’m trying to do something I really can’t then just lying down.
The word “blow” has been repeated alot in my head, or “don’t blow”. I think what this means to it is it thinks I’m enjoying myself too much, even when I am watching TV or reading which are the only things I really have to do besides using the computer. Just following the line of a story on the television is interpreted this way, regardless of whether I am laughing or not. This has frightened me a bit because it seems to now want to me at a level of pain or misery that the level of basic distraction or enjoyment I may get out of a show or a book is considered too much for me, so at times I’ve felt like I was dealing with insanity. Or a deeper hatred than I wanted to admit before.
Another thing that seems to be an issue with it is the “cabra” theme. The day before and the day that the jerking started I was having alot of difficulty with the high school daydreams, they were incredibly hard to fight off and kept coming. I now believe this was being induced to use to judge and punish me for wanting to be pretty and supposedly 17. This is something that has also frightened me and made me feel like I was dealing with insanity, because for one, I wear clothes appropriate to my age and haven’t even been wearing anything lately particulary great or “pretty”. I also haven’t been wearing much makeup. The biggest act of vanity lately has been getting a haircut and tweezing my eyebrows. So it’s like being in a position of complete helplessness, because you know you’re not really doing anything but at the same it feels like there’s this incredible insane hatred and hostility towards you that is very self-righteous. Last night when I closed my eyes I saw an image of someone pointing to the sky and saying “We own you up there. You’re not afraid? You should be.” Well, there’s not much more to say about that one, really. Oh that seems to be another issue, not being afraid enough. Which seems to mean that when I leave the house, I’m not in state of terror and paranoia. Again, something I can’t do anything about.
I think I accepted once again yesterday, there’s really nothing I can do about this, and it will likely be for the rest of my life. It wants me to live in a way that is impossible, not just idealistically, but truly not possible. Because even if I could go there, I know it would most likely never stop. I would be less than human, without a soul, as good as dead. To go there, I would have to give up any reason for living, and I would die inside, and possibly kill myself. It sounds so melodramatic, but it’s the truth. It demands things that I’m not capable of giving, that aren’t even givable.
So there is the very slight relief at the realization that I’d once forgot, gee, there’s really nothing I can do about this and what it does to me. It’s not my fault.
There are only a few areas where I do have some control, and that is using what I’ve learned so far to at the very least, not give it any easier excuse to make things worse for me. For example, a very, VERY common pattern at this point is inducing a feeling, thought or behavior, then punishing me for it. This has been difficult for me to counteract up until now because it feels very real, because it’s onset is so quick that it feels like I don’t have time to consider where it’s coming from, and because I had some relief for awhile.
Basically, any anger has to be immediately recognized for probably being induced.
Warning signs:
Feeling in chest
Obsessive nagging thoughts
Hyperness
Cursing, talking out loud
thinking “I have the right to be upset or angry”
Feeling of stubbornness
Not feeling bad or afraid or feeling good (this is a warning that it will try to induce something later)
Belief in this as anything real instead of psychological
Outrage or humiliation

Other things to watch out for:
Induced daydreams: Any thoughts of being a teenager or being attractive
Fear feelings , try to pinpoint it or recognize it
Racist thoughts: just ignore
Paranoia: “I don’t know that” “It’s not real” “this is the only life I have”

Possible solutions:

Be aware
for obsessive thoughts, cursing, anger or fear, try memorizing quotes and poems and reciting them to yourself
Go over the list of warnings every morning
Therapy and self-help reading
Keep busy, find new hobbies or pastimes

Kurt Vonnegut on Leaders and Sociopaths

…The Mask of Sanity, first published in 1941 and written by the late Dr. Hervey Cleckley, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the Medical College of Georgia.
Some people are born deaf, some are born blind or whatever, and this book is about congenitally defective human beings of a sort who are making this whole country and many other parts of the planet go completely haywire nowadays. These are people born without consciences. They know full well the pain their actions may cause others to feel but do not care. They cannot care. They came into this world with a screw loose, and now they’re taking charge of everything. They appear to be great leaders because they are so decisive. Do this! Do that! What makes them so decisive is that they do not care and cannot care what happens next.

Trying to find a reason

Trying to find a reason
to think life is worthwhile
when dreams have become etched
copies of dried out scrolls,
no squeeze is left in these languidly
rolling daydreams.

so what is there now?
Day to day survival, for some
higher purpose above pain?
But listen, pain is pain and
I don’t care. I
don’t care about staying standing
even though I’ll lose, no Rocky
heroics for me.

What I’d like is a damn shower.
I’d like to take a shower alone,
and I’d like to lie my head down
alone. I’d like some basic decency.

But I won’t get that.
I miss my life. It really gets me,
how much I’ve been ripped off. To
the grand total of my actual life.
Who knew I loved it so much?

Jerking e-harassment video

It doesn’t matter

It doesn’t matter
anymore
the cold bent looks,
the soft hissing I hear
behind me.
You don’t count anymore;
not your sorry excuses to
discount me, a member
of this place called earth.
The glaring sunshine and flat plain
of this town are just as much mine
as are to any of you
and I’ll treat it so.
From now on with my every breath
I won’t hang down
in hopes my audacity of living
won’t offend you.
I’ll live as much as I’m able to,
whatever is handed down to me,
I’ll try to live out, even if it’s
almost nothing.
I know I won’t win
but I’ll stay here as long as I can.

Zero Circle – by Rumi

“Zero Circle” a poem by Rumi (13th century Persian mystic)

Be helpless, dumbfounded,
Unable to say yes or no.
Then a stretcher will come from grace to gather us up.
We are too dull-eyed to see that beauty,
If we say we can, we’re lying.
If we see
No, we don’t see it.
That No will behead us
And shut tight our window into spirit.
So let us rather not be sure of anything,
Beside ourselves, and only that, so
Miraculous beings come running to help.
Crazed, lying in the zero circle, mute,
We shall be saying finally,
With tremendous elegance,
Lead us.
When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
We shall be a mighty kindness.

Not wanting to die

You know I really don’t. This sucks. I don’t know if this is bad luck or what. It shouldn’t have been this bad. I really could have had a life. I guess those are the risks when you go off the road, you might find your real life or you could get screwed? They don’t stress enough in all those inspirational movies about finding your life how dangerous real people can be. How they might want to hurt you even people who seem good and decent, for whatever reason, the world can turn on itself if you don’t follow it’s people’s rules. Life is dangerous. Be careful who you choose for friends, more than who are your enemies, for your friends are closer… I sound like I’m trying to be profound.

I miss writing poetry.