People’s faces outside of family are stone-cold, maybe they were always this way or giggling almost guiltily. Everything has progressed to straight out-and-out torture. I felt like I wanted to scream and rip my skin off, like I was shaking inside my skin. I felt waves of pain. I was horrified that anybody would actually consciously choose to do that to another living being. I felt how strongly I was hated and vilified and that there was probably no hope. Which is why I think I’ve finally come to the only decision left to me.

I know they are not going to stop hurting me but maybe they will have some decency in other regards. You can’t make people see what they don’t want to see or not see or believe a lie. There doesn’t seem to be any hope of a real life anymore, so I feel like I’m doing the best thing. If I look back at the last almost 4 years, it’s just been a cycling of the same question. Alot of heavy mindcontrol, and then being abused for the outcome of the mind control. I didn’t have much of a chance.

Even the stalking is getting to be too much for me. They now control my feelings, so when I see a stalker, I feel what they want me to feel instead of what I naturally feel, and telling myself it is not real doesn’t help much. It’s an attack on almost every level of my being, thoughts, feelings, words- not to mention the physical assault of words inserted into my head, energy on my body and mind, keeping me from breathing normally, keeping me from thinking normally, forcing me to always, always be aware of them throughout the day. I’m surprised I’ve made it as long as I have but I guess I really wanted to live and I got by on a small amount of hope. That hope is pretty much destroyed now though. And then they just keep hurting my family and using me as an excuse.

Now I’m just worried about the details. I want to get it right, I don’t to be found and put into a mental institution and go through hell there without being able to help myself. So I will still think about how, I still have some time to decide.

People seem excited, satisfied, “We got you”, self-righteous and almost with the air of owning me, casual, completely oblivious to their own part in evil.

I was so sad when we visited the house yesterday. I won’t be able to enjoy it with them and I might spoil it for them. It’s unimagineable the amount of pain they are going to go through. The alternative though seems to be me staring at a wall for the rest of my life and being worse than dead. I would much rather be dead than live the life they seem to have decided is the only life I deserve: one with no hope, love, joy, future. I hope I’m not making a mistake but it seems like too much to ask for: would God really ask me to live in years, possibly decades, of misery, day after day? It’s too horrible. They have allowed me nothing.

constant back and forth between whether or not I’m going to do this thing.  I rediscovered something I suspect they blanked out of my mind, that I can sometimes “neutralize” the energy that is connected to the forced feeling, thought, daydream, whatever.  I stopped experimenting with this for some reason, but I’m going to start again.  I think it also would be a good idea to start experimenting with physical countermeasures, you never know, something might actually help.  So I think the best thing to do would be o write down all the countermeasures I can think of, looking them up and finding any old notes I may have written on this. 

The worst abuse I’m dealing with right now is by far, the V2K.  It’s interesting because I always thought in the last 3 something years it would never come to this, because it was so terrible.  But it has, so I have to try to find a way to deal, because I don’t have a choice. 

Started Ediets 3 days ago, haven’t stuck to it at all, almost, but I keep thinking I’m going to kill myself which automatically makes me go “screw it” and then I eat something since I’m supposedtly goint to starve myself the next day to death.  Those days are probably going to come again, so next time, I’ll just commit to not going off the diet regardless.  I feel as if my words are being controlled right now.

Look, I just want to make it clear if there are any perps who read this aware of my situation, just because I make the decision to try my best to live my life and make it if I can, does not mean that I will not commit suicide within a year as I claimed if the situation hasn’t improved.  I am giving a year because I’m hoping that’s enough time that first, their punishment time allows them to lessen the torture and second, that hopefully, they won’t decide to either a) induce another forced episode, usually called by them a “scold”, where I am back at where it started me or b) it decides on some crazy-ass reason to make my torture worse, like the most recent ones of , I think I’m pretty (punishing me for a thought I can’t do anything about), I decide to go ahead and leave the house and not live my life in my room (“you’re not afraid anymore”) , or another one I can do nothing about, “you’re having fun”, which God forbid, I am not allowed apparently in this lifetime.  Mind you,  to the perps, fun for me equals reading a book.   Looking at those possibilities, it does seem my chances are small.  But since I still have a whole year to live, I’m going to at least make an attempt.

So just so you know, this is not crying wolf, it never, NEVER was.  I have been and am completely serious.  If there’s any respect on the value of my life or concern for the future pain of my family, please consider this and remember that I wrote this if I do end up being forced to this terrible decision.

About a couple of weeks ago, a new development. My parents were in Pismo and I was at home and on the couch for most of the weekend, alternating between watching Law and Order:CI reruns and reading poetry. I went out to get something to eat and came back home and watched TV. There was recently brought back nose palpitations, which I tried to ignore and soothe. Then after some time, ignoring it caused my head to move a little bit, but it didn’t really bother me at the time. Then it started jerking harder. That was the reintroduction of the violent jerking. I don’t remember how long it lasted, maybe a week or a little less. I am still getting a little head movement, but am usually able to stop it by adjusting my position on the bed,couch or chair,or putting a foam circle pillow under my head. When the jerking started for real, I got very upset. I was sobbing pretty hysterically.
One of the most upsetting aspects of it was that the jerking would happen whenever I tried to focus on something. Not concentrate, but basically just mentally or with my eyes look at anything. So I couldn’t watch TV, because what would happen is my eyes and mind would defocus, then I’d focus again and jerk, then again and again. This was also the case with reading. I tried sitting in my chair completely defocused and not present, but that would also seem to cause the violent jerking.
Right now, here’s what I’m experiencing. The continual head blocking and fullness of the head is there but considerably worse. The right nostril , jerking?, is off and on, and sometimes also comes with my lip and forehead also jerking. A few days ago, I was again sitting on the couch, when I noticed a song was playing in my head, “Beat it”. I tried to ignore it and it was upsetting me. I’m not sure how exactly it happened but soon after that there were subvocal words in my head that weren’t mine and were being heard over even the TV. I tried checking out for about an hour and in my head I heard alot of things I don’t remember, some of them ending with the word bitch. It was strange wording using words that seemed to hold their own meaning for them.
After that I started counting in my head to block it out. I forgot to mention that before I did this, the hour of silence where I had V2K, I started talking out loud, my first intent to make a plea to please not do this to me, that I would kill myself and couldn’t handle it again. At some point in the beginning it was hijacked (something that happened a hell of a lot in the beginning when I would talk out loud), and I started sounding hostile, asking them to please consider what I had ever done to anybody to deserve this, as I had never truly hurt anyone. While this was happening, the old hijacking thing was also happening of my eyes attention roving back and forth while I was talking, and feeling “on”. I eventually snapped out of it and that’s when I fell into the catatonic hour.
As of right now, if I try to watch TV, I somtimes can for a half hour or an hour. There’s been a new effect added which is a feeling like being hit by either a spike of fear or anxiety on my head, or my hear, sometimes with very low stereo sound that is just loud enough to be bothersome. Included with this is body anxiety. Also there is increased imaging at night or when I close my eyes.
For a couple of days, I’ve realized I am better off sometimes just accepting I can’t really “do” anything, as I either can’t focus on it or I’m too uncomfortable, so I lie on my bed in a position where I won’t jerk, try to stare either at the wall or the reflection of the TV as if I close my eyes I may get imaging, and sometimes count in my head to block any words, or I’ll try to listen to something like the history channel on TV where they talk alot. It’s worse if I’m trying to do something I really can’t then just lying down.
The word “blow” has been repeated alot in my head, or “don’t blow”. I think what this means to it is it thinks I’m enjoying myself too much, even when I am watching TV or reading which are the only things I really have to do besides using the computer. Just following the line of a story on the television is interpreted this way, regardless of whether I am laughing or not. This has frightened me a bit because it seems to now want to me at a level of pain or misery that the level of basic distraction or enjoyment I may get out of a show or a book is considered too much for me, so at times I’ve felt like I was dealing with insanity. Or a deeper hatred than I wanted to admit before.
Another thing that seems to be an issue with it is the “cabra” theme. The day before and the day that the jerking started I was having alot of difficulty with the high school daydreams, they were incredibly hard to fight off and kept coming. I now believe this was being induced to use to judge and punish me for wanting to be pretty and supposedly 17. This is something that has also frightened me and made me feel like I was dealing with insanity, because for one, I wear clothes appropriate to my age and haven’t even been wearing anything lately particulary great or “pretty”. I also haven’t been wearing much makeup. The biggest act of vanity lately has been getting a haircut and tweezing my eyebrows. So it’s like being in a position of complete helplessness, because you know you’re not really doing anything but at the same it feels like there’s this incredible insane hatred and hostility towards you that is very self-righteous. Last night when I closed my eyes I saw an image of someone pointing to the sky and saying “We own you up there. You’re not afraid? You should be.” Well, there’s not much more to say about that one, really. Oh that seems to be another issue, not being afraid enough. Which seems to mean that when I leave the house, I’m not in state of terror and paranoia. Again, something I can’t do anything about.
I think I accepted once again yesterday, there’s really nothing I can do about this, and it will likely be for the rest of my life. It wants me to live in a way that is impossible, not just idealistically, but truly not possible. Because even if I could go there, I know it would most likely never stop. I would be less than human, without a soul, as good as dead. To go there, I would have to give up any reason for living, and I would die inside, and possibly kill myself. It sounds so melodramatic, but it’s the truth. It demands things that I’m not capable of giving, that aren’t even givable.
So there is the very slight relief at the realization that I’d once forgot, gee, there’s really nothing I can do about this and what it does to me. It’s not my fault.
There are only a few areas where I do have some control, and that is using what I’ve learned so far to at the very least, not give it any easier excuse to make things worse for me. For example, a very, VERY common pattern at this point is inducing a feeling, thought or behavior, then punishing me for it. This has been difficult for me to counteract up until now because it feels very real, because it’s onset is so quick that it feels like I don’t have time to consider where it’s coming from, and because I had some relief for awhile.
Basically, any anger has to be immediately recognized for probably being induced.
Warning signs:
Feeling in chest
Obsessive nagging thoughts
Hyperness
Cursing, talking out loud
thinking “I have the right to be upset or angry”
Feeling of stubbornness
Not feeling bad or afraid or feeling good (this is a warning that it will try to induce something later)
Belief in this as anything real instead of psychological
Outrage or humiliation

Other things to watch out for:
Induced daydreams: Any thoughts of being a teenager or being attractive
Fear feelings , try to pinpoint it or recognize it
Racist thoughts: just ignore
Paranoia: “I don’t know that” “It’s not real” “this is the only life I have”

Possible solutions:

Be aware
for obsessive thoughts, cursing, anger or fear, try memorizing quotes and poems and reciting them to yourself
Go over the list of warnings every morning
Therapy and self-help reading
Keep busy, find new hobbies or pastimes

…The Mask of Sanity, first published in 1941 and written by the late Dr. Hervey Cleckley, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the Medical College of Georgia.
Some people are born deaf, some are born blind or whatever, and this book is about congenitally defective human beings of a sort who are making this whole country and many other parts of the planet go completely haywire nowadays. These are people born without consciences. They know full well the pain their actions may cause others to feel but do not care. They cannot care. They came into this world with a screw loose, and now they’re taking charge of everything. They appear to be great leaders because they are so decisive. Do this! Do that! What makes them so decisive is that they do not care and cannot care what happens next.

You know I really don’t. This sucks. I don’t know if this is bad luck or what. It shouldn’t have been this bad. I really could have had a life. I guess those are the risks when you go off the road, you might find your real life or you could get screwed? They don’t stress enough in all those inspirational movies about finding your life how dangerous real people can be. How they might want to hurt you even people who seem good and decent, for whatever reason, the world can turn on itself if you don’t follow it’s people’s rules. Life is dangerous. Be careful who you choose for friends, more than who are your enemies, for your friends are closer… I sound like I’m trying to be profound.

I miss writing poetry.

I’m not even going to go into this too much, but, they are winning, and that’s it. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I really don’t see any reason to continue doing this. I can’t even do anything about it for at least a few more months due to an important event coming up that I would ruin if I did anything sooner. I am not saying the life of a target is not worth living, this is just about me. If I could do something that made a difference, but I’m not and it would hurt my family anyway. I’m being murdered and that’s it, that’s the truth. They’ll just keep throwing the anger at me, as if was coming from me, and then punish me for whatever reaction comes out of it, as they’ve been doing for the past two and a half years. I’m very scared and I don’t want to but I don’t know what else I can do. Sorry if this sounds like I want attention, I don’t think it is that, I just wanted to write down what I realized today. And hopefully it will keep me from living off of false hope as I have before. I understand it could care less if I die and possibly even wants that but I don’t care, who cares if evil gets satisfaction out of my death, when I could live a life out in pain instead, for what? It’s better for me to just accept that my life has been destroyed and I’m just a walking symbol now being used for mind control and power over perp population. I really wish I could have done some other things during my life but I’m not even going to try to fool myself that I can in this condition. So that’s it, that’s how you kill a human being without ever laying hands on them or entering their home. No proof, and my family will think it was a suicide and will have to deal with that pain. This is MURDER. NOT suicide.

I dreamed a ring of fire enclosed
us, it roared and singed but
the flames around would make us friends
and keep outsiders shut;

The bond of need, cemented tight
by the lonely girls became
A dead playground, we knew too much
and ghosts shifted the blame.

Resentful friends no longer spoke;
The fire split and cleaved through
our circle, burning clear other
paths and making new-

(written by me, unless noted on this site I am the author, any suggestions on punctuation here?)