trying to maintain some dignity during my last weeks

People’s faces outside of family are stone-cold, maybe they were always this way or giggling almost guiltily. Everything has progressed to straight out-and-out torture. I felt like I wanted to scream and rip my skin off, like I was shaking inside my skin. I felt waves of pain. I was horrified [...]

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june 3 2009

constant back and forth between whether or not I’m going to do this thing.  I rediscovered something I suspect they blanked out of my mind, that I can sometimes “neutralize” the energy that is connected to the forced feeling, thought, daydream, whatever.  I stopped experimenting with this for some reason, but I’m going to start [...]

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I’m not crying wolf

Look, I just want to make it clear if there are any perps who read this aware of my situation, just because I make the decision to try my best to live my life and make it if I can, does not mean that I will not commit suicide within a year as I claimed [...]

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Today, how it’s going

About a couple of weeks ago, a new development. My parents were in Pismo and I was at home and on the couch for most of the weekend, alternating between watching Law and Order:CI reruns and reading poetry. I went out to get something to eat and came back home and watched TV. There was [...]

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Kurt Vonnegut on Leaders and Sociopaths

…The Mask of Sanity, first published in 1941 and written by the late Dr. Hervey Cleckley, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the Medical College of Georgia.
Some people are born deaf, some are born blind or whatever, and this book is about congenitally defective human beings of a sort who are making this whole country [...]

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Jerking e-harassment video

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Zero Circle – by Rumi

“Zero Circle” a poem by Rumi (13th century Persian mystic)
Be helpless, dumbfounded,
Unable to say yes or no.
Then a stretcher will come from grace to gather us up.
We are too dull-eyed to see that beauty,
If we say we can, we’re lying.
If we see
No, we don’t see it.
That No will behead us
And shut tight our window into [...]

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Not wanting to die

You know I really don’t. This sucks. I don’t know if this is bad luck or what. It shouldn’t have been this bad. I really could have had a life. I guess those are the risks when you go off the road, you might find your real life or you [...]

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Original plans back on , suicide triggers warning

I’m not even going to go into this too much, but, they are winning, and that’s it. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I really don’t see any reason to continue doing this. I can’t even do anything about it for at least a few more months due [...]

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Circle – poem

I dreamed a ring of fire enclosed
us, it roared and singed but
the flames around would make us friends
and keep outsiders shut;
The bond of need, cemented tight
by the lonely girls became
A dead playground, we knew too much
and ghosts shifted the blame.
Resentful friends no longer spoke;
The fire split and cleaved through
our circle, burning clear other
paths and making [...]

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