I made what I feel is the best decision I could have. This day is not going to get better, and I’m just going to keep having a variation of the same one, if not worse.
I really never thought growing up that I would die at 33 by being murdered.
I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do until it happens that would leave something of value, and if its worth it. I mean a record of what was done to me. Partly because of the effects it’s not easy for me to do a lot of things, especially writing. And I have very little motivation.
I’m not sure this is the best timing, but there’s really no good timing. I ideally would like to do it today, tomorrow, but that would involve something like jumping off a bridge. I really wish that I could get my hands on darvon , or amitrypaline, but I think I can only do that online and the quality might be bad, and, it also will be expensive. Not eating for 2-3 months will probably be hard. I really wish three was another choice but I’ve been struggling with this since I was targeted and I think this may be what they had planned for me all along. It’s terrible, but am I going to stay alive and in pain just to “show them”? They don’t care, and I’m only going to be hurt if I do manage to do anything with myself such as write. It’s over. I can’t b believe it, but my life is really over, and I just can’t overstate how much that grieves me, how much I really don’t want to die. It gives you a strong appreciation for just how terrible something like murder is. How ruthless and brutal it is, to actually make the decision to take another living beings’ life, how arrogant and hateful and evil.
