Not feeling so urgent, or that my life as it is now is hopeless. My plan is just to go on as normally as possible, and ignore it as much as possible. That left me wondering whether it was good or bad to write here, but considering the recent worsening of effects, I’m going to take that as a lesson to remember. Just not to forget the ugliness that I’ve already been through and the lack of respect for my person and my life.
I changed the wordpress theme to hopefully create a nicer lighter attitude. I like the header image, it reminds me of the book Neverwhere, and the part where they are crossing the bridge.
Of course yesterday though, after eating out I had an attack of hysterical crying. I guess the stress has to come out somewhere. Still feeling oddly wounded that it obviously made the decision to make things significantly worse for me. Just the mental screwup of my head everyday is bad enough really, difficult to describe but bad when you think about it for too long. I mean really, I was thinking, it was bad enough, really. Sometimes you forget all the little ways they are hurting you and your life, and to take it all together it’s pretty amazing really that they obviously feel the need to make things worse for me.
Yesterday as I was leaving the house, neighbor children were in the front of their yard doing some strange imp dance and laughing a bit. Weird. A reminder that I’m being used to teach. Teach what? I don’t know, that this can happen to you if you don’t stay on the right road(s), cruelty towards socially accepted targets is okay, training to do this to others in the future maybe. A lifestyle, a new culture?
