People’s faces outside of family are stone-cold, maybe they were always this way or giggling almost guiltily. Everything has progressed to straight out-and-out torture. I felt like I wanted to scream and rip my skin off, like I was shaking inside my skin. I felt waves of pain. I was horrified that anybody would actually consciously choose to do that to another living being. I felt how strongly I was hated and vilified and that there was probably no hope. Which is why I think I’ve finally come to the only decision left to me.
I know they are not going to stop hurting me but maybe they will have some decency in other regards. You can’t make people see what they don’t want to see or not see or believe a lie. There doesn’t seem to be any hope of a real life anymore, so I feel like I’m doing the best thing. If I look back at the last almost 4 years, it’s just been a cycling of the same question. Alot of heavy mindcontrol, and then being abused for the outcome of the mind control. I didn’t have much of a chance.
Even the stalking is getting to be too much for me. They now control my feelings, so when I see a stalker, I feel what they want me to feel instead of what I naturally feel, and telling myself it is not real doesn’t help much. It’s an attack on almost every level of my being, thoughts, feelings, words- not to mention the physical assault of words inserted into my head, energy on my body and mind, keeping me from breathing normally, keeping me from thinking normally, forcing me to always, always be aware of them throughout the day. I’m surprised I’ve made it as long as I have but I guess I really wanted to live and I got by on a small amount of hope. That hope is pretty much destroyed now though. And then they just keep hurting my family and using me as an excuse.
Now I’m just worried about the details. I want to get it right, I don’t to be found and put into a mental institution and go through hell there without being able to help myself. So I will still think about how, I still have some time to decide.
People seem excited, satisfied, “We got you”, self-righteous and almost with the air of owning me, casual, completely oblivious to their own part in evil.
I was so sad when we visited the house yesterday. I won’t be able to enjoy it with them and I might spoil it for them. It’s unimagineable the amount of pain they are going to go through. The alternative though seems to be me staring at a wall for the rest of my life and being worse than dead. I would much rather be dead than live the life they seem to have decided is the only life I deserve: one with no hope, love, joy, future. I hope I’m not making a mistake but it seems like too much to ask for: would God really ask me to live in years, possibly decades, of misery, day after day? It’s too horrible. They have allowed me nothing.